welll that sucked...

today started out as normal as can be expected, woke up got breakfast mom got home from work and grabbing some things from the store, dropped the milk and had to go back for more, see as normal as can be expected... the after noon was basically the same watched cartoons until Beth was so tired she was ready to sleep, took a nap got up watched some more tv played with grandma the normal stuff. mom went to the store for the finishing touches on dinner (crock pot pork chops, mashed potato's salad , and roll's) when out of the blue Tracy (Roger's mother)came to pick Beth up, about 3-4 hours to early, we were up set but it turned out to be a blessing in disguise. 4:30pm ish we show up at Troy and Dyane's house have an awesome dinner, Troy goes to work(bummer) and we start to watch our ritual Sunday shows "when vacations attack" and "the wild within" half way through "vacations attach" Dy gets a call, and leaves she then shows up with her daughter, belligerent, the friend she was with didn't even realize she was drinking... after much arguing with her Dy called the ambulance, after much fighting they decided that she was ok enough to stay home and lay in bed, but she has to have some one up to watch her...I wish I could help with that but I cant...oh well, I'll be sending good energy to her through the night...may the Goddess watch over her.

long time

The date is March 4th 2011, its been a while, things have calmed down lately, Danica Sayge Gardner is now almost 5 months old, shes got a cold and is ornery but other wise shes a sweet loving beautiful little baby! I have 3 friends expecting a baby one of them is due any day now, were so excited!, then I have one friend in Kansas who just found out its a girl, and a friend in Jersey, who is due July 10th...all of then expecting little girls!!! I have 2 baby showers to plan and I'm providing a list of baby shower games for my sisters shower, shes due in April and is having a boy. I will be meeting with Voc. Rehab on the 10th and I'm hoping that I will qualify for them to help, if I do then i will be going to school, I'm still a little iffy about what i want to do, I'm going to see if they will pay for an on line backing classes, if not my temporary back up plan is a nail tech school, and an online business course...id like the business course either way. Right now I can feel the calm before Spring, and its nice. The earth seams to know spring is coming as well, I can feel it, it feels like its resting before it brings life back to us, perhaps we should rest until spring, sadly i know that is not possible, but it would be nice.

JUST DONE!!

So between my brother and his asshole of a "friend" and people I used to call my friends showing their true colors and being bitches I'm so upset that I cant even eat my dinner because I'm sick to my stomach. I've been attempting to get at least to the point where my sister doesn't want to kill me any more because its very stressful on my mother that we cant get along, and doing that is stressful for me. I have a 2 month old baby and we just today got her on formula that she can hold down and that took almost 2 hours of fighting with my doctor to get it. my brothers friend Jim has been even more of an ass, some one I thought to be my friend just told me that she basically hated my guts because I cant handle listening to or reading about how "great" of a person Glen is after he hurt me the way he did, and my brother is on a rampage I swear! And right now all I want to do is have a glass of wine and watch Shrek for ever after(the final chapter) but no Cherokee is here so i cant have the wine because shes trying to stay sober and we need to support her , and for some fucking reason we cant watch Shrek either. I'm about to grab a book and Danica and a glass of some 7up pomegranate and go down stairs, put some wine in my 7up and lock my self in the fucking room and not come out for a while...I'm sure I could last about a week in their only coming out pee and eat I wanna just say fuck the world for a while. In fact that may very well be what I do...so for now FUCK YOU WORLD!!

Stressed and Depressed

Its been very stressful for me the last little while, I've been worried about Danica her formula is not working very well, her sister didn't do well with Similac either but were going to take care of that thankfully, we have to go back to the hospital Thursday for a rescreaning of her hearing, and even though every one says that she'll be fine I'm still a little worried about that. Then their is money, and the lack their of, sometimes I just think that it would be better to get a freaking job when I get released to do so instead of going to school, so that I can help out here. I'm having a hard time watching my mom being so stressed about everything, at the moment I feel useless and I hate feeling like that , I just wish I could help my mom out some how with rent and bills. With all of what is going on here and the fact that their is absolutely nothing I can do about the stress levels right now its making my depression re surface again, it does that every once in a while, but sadly the depression doesn't help mom either because she worries about me now, only making me feel worse, and I just don't feel like I really have any one I can really talk to about stuff like this, I really just wish I had some one I could just bull shit with again, because of everything that happened with glen I've lost a few friends and have had a few of my relationships with people changed, in the midst of all of that I lost my bull shiting friend and never really got another one, I can talk to mom and Dyane about some things but I feel awkward talking about other things. Sometimes I just want to grab random people and start yelling at them for no reason, I wanna say things like "I never knew my biological father that's why I'm messed up" "I'm a single mother living with my single mother" and "were broke and theirs nothing any one can do about it"

Sometimes I wish it was possible to just pack up my girls and run away from all our problems, but I know that they will just follow me where ever I go. It sucks to wonder if the diapers I have are going to last us until we can afford to get more, it sucks to not know when we can get more diapers, it sucks having to fight with the government for food stamps and wondering how were going to feed all of us and even more so Beth, I hate worrying about weather or not the power is going to be able to get paid this winter, it sucks to wonder how were going to afford the oil to heat the house which is gonna be just under $300 a month it would be cheaper to get heaters for every room in the house and have them running 24-7 at this point. Some times I wonder what we did in our past lives to end up with this fucked up life? I worry about my baby, I don't want her to get sick this winter. I just wish I could find a cheaper place for us to live in with normal freaking heating.

some times life just says "fuck you!"

yay baby!!!!!!

Danica Sayge Gardner was born October 19th at 3:03pm she was 6lbs 10oz 19 inches long, she is so small that she can fit into preme clothing perfectly, she has brown hair and blue eyes, but they will probably change color in a few weeks. she is very cute, her big sister loves her, probably more than any one else, shes pretty sure if any one other than she or mommy holds her they will hurt her, its rather cute but slightly annoying at times. she gave Grandpa quite a scare the other day, no one else really saw what happened but she literally launched her self out of Troy's arms he caught her, and it scared him more than her. she lost her cord the other day as well surprising the Dr. because shes only a week old.

This weekend is Halloween, this year Halloween falls on Sunday, and in this town no one ever celebrates anything on Sunday, so trick-or-treating will be done mostly on Saturday, i plan on taking the kids out on both days, granted Dani wont really care and wont get candy but that's ok ill bundle her up and keep her warm and she'll probably sleep right through it all.

we all have some interesting costumes this year, Beth is going to be a pink skeleton fairy, Dani is gonna be a black cat, mom is gonna be a crow, although her costume had to be altered because of cost, and I'm going to be a masquerade witch, Justin this year asked that instead of spending money for his Halloween costume if he could just have 10 bucks cash so he could buy costumes for his online game...hes a dork!

being a single mom has been slightly easier than I thought, and even though I thought I needed the help I'm realizing that I really don't need the help from a man, in fact its kind of nice not having a man around to help. I appreciate the help I'm getting from mom, but I cant wait to get through school and get a job so I can get my own place, and start my new life, this next year is going to be exciting, and I can't wait to see what the gods have in store for me.

Bad dreams...

This past little while has been nerve racking, the baby has dropped so shes gonna come any day now, I've been considering going on a nice long walk just to try to send my self into labor, Beth has been a handful I think she can tell that things are getting ready to change drastically. I think both of the dream catchers in my room need to be cleaned and recharged because Beth has been sleeping with me the last few weekends due to bad dreams and for the first time in since I put my dream catcher up I just had one of the worst dreams I've had throughout this pregnancy.

In my dream it was a weekend I know this because I had Beth she had been playing with her toys and watching a movie in the morning like she normally does then she shook me and said "mommy why is my baby sister blue?" I turned on the light and looked into my bassinet at Danica laying their her lips and fingers were turning blue, I immediately started infant CPR and told Beth to get my mother, she ran up stairs told my mom that Danica was hurt and mom came running down, she called 911 for me but by the time they had responded it was far to late. Danica was diagnosed with SIDS.

I can't get over that feeling I had when I woke up, its so hard to explain, the dream was so realistic that it just really got to me, and having Beth their if something like that were to happen, I mean how do you explain to a 3 year old that their baby sister has died, and even worse how is something like that going to affect them? Tonight I plan on praying to the gods to watch over both my kids, I'm going to see if Dyanne or Mom have any protection oil I plan on spreading some on my door frame and on the frame of the bassinet, when shes born I'm going to ask mom and Dy to put a protection spell on the bassinet as well, I'm hoping that by having the protections on her sleeping place that the gods will keep her safe while she sleeps, of course I realize that if the gods decide she needs to no longer be on this planet they are going to take her but if they do after we have done everything we can to protect her then I will know its what they truly wanted, and while it will hurt me greatly, I will know that they have a reason for it, and that will hep comfort me slightly.

How slow time goes....

ok so until this last few weeks every thing has gone by so fast, now everything seams to have just kind of stopped. I've pretty much officially run out of things to keep me busy through out the day, I have a few things I can do here and their but I can now get the house clean in a matter of an hour or two, and some of the things I need to get done I cant because its to much for me and might send me into labor, which I wouldn't have a problem with but I would get a nice scolding if I did, for example, cleaning the turtles cage, I can't simply because it weights so freaking much and the water has gotten to the point it not only makes my room stink but the turtle doesn't want to spend a lot of time in the water, which is as bad for him as to much time in the water, his shell is having some problems peeling almost like a snake skin, I don't know if that's from being to dry or to wet or what, but I cant find anything online about it.

I just wish Danica would decide to come already this waiting around thing is killing me, every one keeps saying patience she'll come when she comes, but I officially lost my patience for waiting about a week ago... which makes waiting even harder than it should be, with Elyssabeth I had more things and people around to distract me from the anxiety of waiting for the contractions to start, now its just me and my computer, mom and Justin sleep all day, I have Dyane online, but no one and no cash to just go out and do something with, my biggest distraction, and probably a highlight in my life has been when Dyane and I go for walks, its relaxing and I like being able to spend the quality time with her, we get to talk about things with each other we don't normally want to talk about with other people around, and its really nice, perhaps I'll ask her if she'll walk with me tonight.

I have OGYN appointments every week until shes born now, last week he informed me that she was turned which is a really good thing, but had not yet stated to dilate, the following appointments will consist of listening to her heart, and checking to see if I'm dilating yet, then within the next 2-3 weeks I'll go into labor, but until then its just a waiting game, and its driving me nuts!!!

Well its almost 5:00pm and mom should be up by now, we need to go shopping tonight so I'm gonna go make sure shes up and hopefully ready to go do that, we really need to get it done, hopefully next time I get on here I'll have something more exciting to talk about.