October already?

Wow, it feels like only yesterday I was told I was pregnant, and now here we are 34 weeks later! we've got the house cleaned and ready for the baby, and we've already figured out a schedule that will work for us to take Beth for a few weeks while I heal, and get used to functioning on how ever much sleep the baby will allow me to have. I feel guilty about not being able to spend just as much time with Beth as I will be spending with Danica, but mom says that its whats best for right now, and I know that shes right, I just wish I didn't feel so bad about it. I'm beginning to fall into a depression, which for my mental conditions is normal, and I already know what I need to do to fix it and bring my self out of the depression, its just getting to that point, I think more than just depression I feel guilty as a mother because at the current moment I cant provide for my children right now, but I am going to go back to school and I am going to get a good paying job so that I can support my kids!

I am also worried about Danica a little, mostly because of Sheldon's physical conditions, at the moment he just gets worse every day, here is where the worry comes in, he will either die from his disease with in a year and she will never get to know him and what a great person he is, or the doctors will be able to keep him alive for a few more years and she will get to know him and she'll have to deal with his death. I don't want my daughter to have to go through either, but we really have no choice. I just wish I knew how to be able to explain to a small child why she will never get to see her daddy again, or why she never got to know him. This is one of my biggest problems right now, I don't want to put her through either situation, but at the same time, I don't want to keep Sheldon out of her life, for gods sake he actually wants to be apart of it! I never heard from Glen about the paternity testing, which doesn't surprise me one bit, I always knew he was gonna walk away from the responsibility the minute he got the chance.

On the plus side we have come up with Halloween costume ideas for, Beth, Mom, Myself, and Danica if shes here by then. Beth is going to be a pink skeleton fairy, Mom is going to be a Crow, Danica has a little black onesie with a cat face on it and black pants( I know not much of an outfit, but we don't want to go over board on something we might not use) and I am going to be a masquerade witch and we even figured out how to make every aspect of the outfit work weather I'm pregnant or not, so its going to be an awesome Halloween!! and I plan on being in my costume even if I'm in the hospital! mom and I have put too much thought into it, and by the time we get it to much money for me not to wear it!

I finally got my bedroom finished it actually feels like my room now, we even got a dresser for Beth! its a fairly cheap plastic one from big lots but it works, and eventually, when I have my own place, I will get both of my girls bed room sets that they will be able to use well into their adult lives, I will also be buying me a bedroom set, but mine will be bought differently, because I will buy a cheap bed frame, and the rest of the furniture will match the bed I will be getting when my mother dies.

This coming up holiday season is already depressing for me, because I know that I'm going to be in pain from the birth for thanks giving, and I'll be to broke to get my own kids presents for yule, and I know my mom will put down that some of the gifts they get are from me, but it would be nice if for once I could afford to get Beth something my self and I feel bad that for Danica's first yule I cant get her anything, and while I realize that they don't care, I do, it makes me feel like a bad parent, and thanks to my brother I've felt like that quite a bit these last few months, I feel like every time I turn around hes telling me what a bad mother I am to Beth, it really makes me just want to hit him so bad, because while I know I'm a good mom, it still hurts so bad to hear him say that, especially him, hes supposed it be my family and support me, its one thing when it comes from Cherokee or from some random person out their, it still pisses me off but when it comes from him it really stings, hes been such an ass hole lately that if he doesn't watch his step I am gonna hit him, and I think sometimes hes trying to get either me or mom to hit him. I know one thing for sure if he says one mean thing to me thanks giving before we leave to go spend it with the family I'm not getting in the car with him, I refuse to spend either Thanksgiving or Christmas feeling like shit because of him, if I have to spend both here by my self with my kids I'm fine with that, and he can explain to the family why me and my kids aren't their.

On the other hand Cherokee is starting to be more and more civil with me, sometimes shes on the verge of being nice, I think shes realizing that I am one of the few people who kind of knows what shes going though right now, and that me getting pregnant at 17 and keeping the baby(like she currently is) doesn't make me a horrible person, I don't like her boyfriend and wish she would wise up enough to leave his good for nothing drug addicted ass, but I think shes still got a little bit of growing up to do before she can do that, and shes defiantly going to need support when she does because shes going need to find her self, and I plan on being their for her as much as I can when she does, now does that mean I'm gonna let her use me? HELL NO!! but it does mean I'm going to be their for emotional support.

Well I think I have finally reached a point in all my ranting, and my brain spew, and what not where I have run out of things to say, and I think I might actually be able to sleep now, I probably wont post again for quite some time with the baby and every thing that will be happening, but when I get a moment for my self again I will be back :D

Lots of fun, and plenty of excitement!

Camping was a lot of fun! Beth was a little handful but we had her under control. Both nights Beth and I went to bed early, I had planed to lay with her until she fell asleep and get back up and hang out for a little while but the first night I think I may have been asleep before she was, and the second night I was having some stomach pains so I layed their waiting for them to go away and fell asleep. but that's ok, because we still had fun during the days sitting around listening to music, and a comedian,who's name I cant recall, and just bullshitting we had a lemon peach cake i made and Dyanne and I both decided we didn't like the canned icing because you just dont have either the control or the maneuverability of the decorating bag, and for those of us who have become used to the bag the can just sucks! the second night the planned desert had been flavored marshmallows for s'more making, but Ryan came with a much better idea and made us all cobbler, i was laying down by the time it was done but they saved me some and Beth, Justin, and my self had some for breakfast instead of the planed bars. Jason and Nate also came home that weekend and joined us Saturday night that was fun! We all really needed this weekend, especially mom with everything that has been going on with Cherokee, and because Sheldon is such and awesome person he even stayed at our house that weekend with the dog, to give mom even more of a stress relief, it was nice not having to worry about the dog at all. this weekend is packed full, we have Mabon which I'm hoping will be lots of fun, then Sunday were going out to aunt Joyce and uncle Dave's house for an early dinner or even late lunch...either way you want to look at it, then were going to Dy's house to watch a show have some dinner(if were hungry) and play rock band, I plan on wearing my rock band shirt that Dy made me! Monday I'm gonna have roger call on his Medicaid account and get every thing with that worked out, because Beth needs her Medicaid. I still need a dresser for her clothing, but I'm going to work on getting the bed room completely ready for the baby, its gonna be hard without the dresser but I'll make it work some how...I hope... It's getting so close, only 36 more days left and we've still got to work on getting everything ready, the closer it gets the more i wish it was easier to get this house clean and all the dog hair under control, I kind of wish we had access to the carpet cleaner of Alie's because it was great for getting the hair out of the carpets and that would be a big help with the dog hair, i just wish i could find the replacement battery for my Shark vacuum because its a good little vacuum for every day use but it doesn't have the battery power any more to do the hole house every day, it used to but the battery is 3 years old, oh well i guess we can do a different room every day and keep the hair controlled that way. if we can keep up with that, so far were having a hard time keeping the dishes cleaned every day. well after the baby's born im going to try to keep us all on track for the baby's sake.

Drama, Drama, Drama

The potential father of this child, the one who we were, with out a doubt positive was the father told me a while back that he wanted a paternity test, other than him their is only one other possible father, he is very unlikely but still non the less he he would get tested, and I felt he deserved to know, so for the past few months I have been trying to get a hold of him to tell him that he would be tested. About 3 nights ago he got a hold of us to tell us that he had a surgeon mess up with with him, so badly now that he only has a few years if that. I told him that night that their was a possibility that Danica is his, he is so excited that their is even the slightest chance that he not only wants her to be his but he has asked if he could still claim her as his even if she wasn't. I am over joyed that Danica he wants to be her father, even if only for a short time. I would rather her have some one who wants her be her father rather than some one who doesn't. I have told glen that if he still want to get the paternity test and be a part of her life then he need to get a hold of me, I asked for a response by the end of the week but I have decided that I will give him until I actually fill out the birth certificate, if he cant find 5 minutes to text me saying "yes I'd like to still do the test" then he truly doesn't care about her at all, and at that point I will be putting Sheldon's name on it without a test. almost every one I have talked to think that I am being very fare to every one involved, except for one who I thought was my best friend, she thinks that I'm being a bitch for even considering of putting Sheldon's name on the certificate in the first place. I guess in situations like these you find out who your true friends, the sad thing is I know why shes all pissed its because shes jealous of the friendship Sheldon and I have and how close we are, shes even more jealous that he and I were ever together and even more of the idea that their is a slight chance Sheldon and I get back together, after I get my life straightened out. I think its rather pathetic of her honestly she has a wonderful husband who would do anything for her and 2 beautiful little boys, she has a rather nice life as a matter of fact, of course she wont know that until she looses it, shes on the verge of me telling her to fuck off, until at least she can pull her head out of her ass, because I'm really getting tired of her judging me, when shes the one who goes out and cheats on her husband and flirts with other guys, and thinks her life is a curse instead of a blessing, if it weren't for the fact that I have strong morals and I believe in never breaking a promise, unless some ones life is in danger or they are breaking the law, I would tell her husband, but I'm not going to be pinned as a "home wrecker" because her morals aren't where they should be. a crisis councilor contacted my mother today, she wants mom and Cherokee to sit down and try to work things out between them, which is going to be a waist of time on every ones part because mom refuses to have a junkie living with us and Cherokee refuses to leave him, so the councilor can talk all she wants but she will just be wasting her breath. on the plus side this weekend were going camping to celebrate both mine and Troy's birthday's and that will be super fun, then next weekend were going to go to our aunt and uncles house for a birthday dinner, performing a Mabon ritual, I'll be doing that one with the help of my very close friend Whitney and it will be her first and only my second ritual with a group so I imagine that it is going to be rather interesting, but it will be fun. then Sunday a night of watching a pilot for a show to see if we like it, and of course Rock Band!! with our new band T-Shirts "I'm your huckleberry" we will also be getting the house ready for the new baby, this next month is going to be so busy, and so much fun, were going to have 2 weddings to go to, Halloween and a birth YAY!!!

Can you say T.V. special?

Well my life right now would make a pretty interesting soap opera / sit com. combo. this weekend we had Elyssabeth for longer than we normally do because her father wanted her for this weekend, which is fine with me as long as i get her for my birthday dinner, can you believe I'm turning 21!? Any way while she was here my sisters boyfriend(ketchup) had his brother visit them, he was so excited to get to spend time with him, well their evening ended up with my sister sitting in the house getting to know ketchup's family while he sat out side listening to rap and getting drunk because he's jealous of his brother because he is successful, so at some point in the night ketchup took off without saying anything, Cherokee spent the night worrying about him, because he wouldn't answer either her texts or calls, she spent the night at his moms house, about 7 o'clock in the morning he texts her saying hes at the house so she has his mom bring her back into town, now here's where things get out of control, when Cherokee gets down stairs ketchup is sitting on the bed shooting up lortab, at this point Beth is not only awake but has snuck out of the room to go steel a sucker and get into things shes not supposed to. well the shooting up pissed Cherokee off enough that she kicks him out, thank the gods, because were done with his shit! so that night we go to Dy's house to play rock band and get home fairly late Beth and I go straight to bed, mom stays up for a little bit longer, while she is turning off all the lights to go to bed Cherokee and Ketchup show up and unload all of his stuff with the intent of moving him back into the house, obviously mom is having none of it because were not going to lose Beth and Danica because of his drug addiction, so they get in a huge fight and Cherokee decides that if ketchup cant move back in then shes going to move out with him...at the moment we have no clue where she is or what shes doing, last we herd their plan was to move to Las Vegas, but we don't know how that plan has gone, I packed and moved all of her stuff out of her room and have spent the last week turning it into mine and Beth's room its not where i want it to be but its getting their. on the other hand my brother has been trying to keep spirits high by being a dork and it has worked a little, i know that I'm worried about Cherokee and her unborn baby, and I'm sure mom is also worried, but were all doing a fairly good job at hiding it. Today is September 11th nine years ago a terrorist group flew plains into the two towers, I plan on lighting a candle to remember the souls who died and I'm also going to do a heeling spell for the earth. Tomorrow is my birthday and I will be turning 2, now because I'm pregnant I have to wait until yule to actually get drunk, so instead were going to make enchiladas watch the season finally of true blood and play rock band, next weekend were going to go camping to celebrate both mine and troys birthday and the week after that were going to go do dinner with my aunt Joyce and uncle Dave, then head over to Dy's house for a Mabon ritual! this month is all about the birthdays from now on, next month we'll be getting the house really ready for the new baby and of course every witches favorite holiday HALLOWEEN!!! depending on weather or not I'm in the hospital giving birth i get to take Beth trick-or-treating, if I'm in the hospital roger will swing by with her to say hi before they go out, or after depending on how I'm doing. the next few months are going to be a mad rush, but I'm hoping that after the mad rush I can get back into school and getting my life back on track, I realize now that my roller coaster life has just gotten a little more exciting, and I kind of cant wait to see how the ride goes!!

Just plain worn out...

This week has been crazy so much has been going on that I can only barely remember most of it now. Beth has been a hand full this weekend, she hasn't been listening to me very well, but that's ok I knew that she would get to this stage sooner or later, I just hope she grows out of it before the baby is born. I know that shes going to be jealous of the new baby for many various, but I hope that I can help her understand that her sister is a kind of gift, and not some one she should hate, its going to be hard but I know that with the help of my family I can get through it. I finally got all my stuff out of glens storage, actually what happened was I got tired of him dodging me and ignoring my calls about it so I left him a message telling him that I wanted to come get it this week end(while I had some help to get it all) and he showed up the next day with all of it, he even already went through and got all his stuff out of the boxes that had our things mixed...I plan on going through and seeing if anything has been taken that shouldn't have, however I also plan on getting rid of some things as well. I keep having these weird dreams they kind of freak me out a little, and I'm afraid if I talked to any one about them they would either make fun of me, or judge me, or something like that, in my dreams I'm getting ready for a date and my mom keeps asking me who I'm going out with but i just keep saying "you'll see" , when my date finally arrives I open the door, now this is were it gets a little weird, half the time Roger is standing at the door, when hes their mom looks at me stunned for a moment then shakes her head and says "if you think it will work what ever, but take it slow please" we agree and go on our date, the other half of the time Ryan is standing at the door, when its Ryan at the door mom is too shocked to say anything, and we leave to go on our date, now I don't know if that means anything or if its just the stress of life or something like that...if any one knows, I'd appreciate some insightful thought on the dream, any other weird dreams I have are of Danica and I know that those come from my fears and worry's of the pregnancy and what we may or may not have to go through after she is born due to her father, but I can handle that when the time comes. I keeps getting these headaches they just come out of no where, and last for hours then they are gone as fast as they came I don't know what the hell is going on their, I've been thinking about going to my Doctor and asking him what he thinks, but lord only knows what they'll do for me right now. I'm going to mention them to my OBGYN on my appointment on Thursday, but he may not have an answer for me. their has been so much going on with just me, on top of all the stuff going on in the life's of the people around me that I've just gotten to the point where I'm just plain tired a good vacation from the real world would be nice right about now, but I know that life is just gonna get more real in the next few months...just with it would give us all a rest for a min, so we can breath, to bad life doesn't work like that. oh well I guess for now ill just keep hoping for that break in the rain, and when it comes I'm going to enjoy the sun even if its only for a moment.

Trying to make sense of things...

I've been sitting on my couch/bed all weekend because I'm supposed to be taking it easy so as to give my body time to heal from an infection in my bladder, we found out I had this infection because we went into the ER early Thursday morning because I was cramping very badly, they of course tested for every thing and found the infection, they put me on antibiotics and sent me home with the instructions to take it easy and not get to active in order to let my body help the antibiotics heal the infection so that it doesn't get worse and cause problems with the pregnancy. On the other hand we found out that Cherokee (my little sister) is also pregnant, Sadly I fear for the baby shes carrying, not that she would intentionally hurt it, but shes not growing up fast enough, she is still partying, smoking drinking, doing drugs, that poor child has already been to 2 party's that I know of sense she's told us she found out. Jason's n employment ran out this month meaning that we are now living solely no moms income, I wish it was easier for me to find a job right now so that I could help her with the bills, Jason is looking for a trucking job, so assuming he gets one he and Nate will be going over the road making good money but he'll never be home...at the moment we're not so sure that's exactly a bad thing, hes entered this state of depression where he realizes hes broke but he wants to spend what little money he gets on things that do him no good, he takes out payday loans and tell moms hes going to use it for bills then goes out and buys a phone he doesn't need and spends it on everything but the bills, poor mom is about at her wits ends and their nothing I can do for her to make it better, and that makes me sad. I've decided that after I have the baby and out of school I'm gonna stay with mom after I get a job, and help her out a little, but I think first we may need to look into finding a place that is slightly larger for about the same price, or even less would be better, I think for now that's what I'm gonna concentrate on finding for her, I think she'll like that.

What the HELL my life is freakin out!!!

Wow a lot has happened sense my last post, where do I start? I guess I'll start where I left, Monday I officially moved back in with my mother, well that's when I told Glen I was gonna move back in with her, we had a big fight and a lot of this were said and a lot misinterpreted, I'm hoping to clear some of the miss understanding in the future but for now I'm living with mom again. Tuesday we went camping boy was that fun, we had Elyssabeth with us and she was just the cutest little thing all weekend, she had fun playing in the dirt and she made a new best friend our room mate Nate, not to mention she made a lot of break troughs within our friends, she is finally accepting Dyanne more than she ever has which Dy loves and she decided just yesterday that our friend Ryan was a really cool guy and not just a tall scary guy. At one point in time this camping trip Beth was playing in the dirt and a cow wandered to an area it wasn't supposed to be in and it must have got stuck or hurt or lost or something like that cause it started to moo uncontrollably, when Beth head it she stopped giving her self a dirt bath stood up looked out to where the sound was coming from and screams "what the hell!? that cow is freaking out!!" it was so cute and innocent that we couldn't even get mad at her for saying hell...at least she used it correctly and in a way that wasn't hurting any ones feelings, if i teach her when its okay to use words like that and when its not then she will grow up slightly wiser than others. its been just over a week sense we took that camping trip now and other thing have started to pop up in life, my sister and her boyfriend are either going to both move out or break up, at the moment that situation has to be played by ear and mom isn't to worried about it at the moment. yesterday evening the entire left side of my jaw started hurting, but I'm going to go see a dentist tomorrow I'm hoping its nothing to serious and it will be an easy fix...I can hope right? I also found out today that the divorce papers that Roger gave me are useless because he signed them at home instead of getting them notarized and because they have Roger's ,Beth's, and My social security numbers but also our full names and birth dates they're all any one needs to steel out identities... so I'm going to make sure that their is no way any one can get their hands on that info by burning them tonight, it with be fun, on the down side Roger has to reprint all of it out again, only this time I'll be making sure he gets them notarized so that we don't have to go through this again. for the most part I'm doing okay, I feel less stressed and more relaxed I don't feel like I'm gonna get my head bitten off or ganged up on if I voice my opinion and for the first time in a while I feel welcome and at home. it will be nice when I can get a job and start actually doing something with my life again but for now I'm glad to know I have family that loves me enough to help me out when I need it most. thank you to the people who love me. I owe a lot to you guys :D