Tuesday, November 2, 2010

Stressed and Depressed

Its been very stressful for me the last little while, I've been worried about Danica her formula is not working very well, her sister didn't do well with Similac either but were going to take care of that thankfully, we have to go back to the hospital Thursday for a rescreaning of her hearing, and even though every one says that she'll be fine I'm still a little worried about that. Then their is money, and the lack their of, sometimes I just think that it would be better to get a freaking job when I get released to do so instead of going to school, so that I can help out here. I'm having a hard time watching my mom being so stressed about everything, at the moment I feel useless and I hate feeling like that , I just wish I could help my mom out some how with rent and bills. With all of what is going on here and the fact that their is absolutely nothing I can do about the stress levels right now its making my depression re surface again, it does that every once in a while, but sadly the depression doesn't help mom either because she worries about me now, only making me feel worse, and I just don't feel like I really have any one I can really talk to about stuff like this, I really just wish I had some one I could just bull shit with again, because of everything that happened with glen I've lost a few friends and have had a few of my relationships with people changed, in the midst of all of that I lost my bull shiting friend and never really got another one, I can talk to mom and Dyane about some things but I feel awkward talking about other things. Sometimes I just want to grab random people and start yelling at them for no reason, I wanna say things like "I never knew my biological father that's why I'm messed up" "I'm a single mother living with my single mother" and "were broke and theirs nothing any one can do about it"

Sometimes I wish it was possible to just pack up my girls and run away from all our problems, but I know that they will just follow me where ever I go. It sucks to wonder if the diapers I have are going to last us until we can afford to get more, it sucks to not know when we can get more diapers, it sucks having to fight with the government for food stamps and wondering how were going to feed all of us and even more so Beth, I hate worrying about weather or not the power is going to be able to get paid this winter, it sucks to wonder how were going to afford the oil to heat the house which is gonna be just under $300 a month it would be cheaper to get heaters for every room in the house and have them running 24-7 at this point. Some times I wonder what we did in our past lives to end up with this fucked up life? I worry about my baby, I don't want her to get sick this winter. I just wish I could find a cheaper place for us to live in with normal freaking heating.

some times life just says "fuck you!"