Monday, October 25, 2010

yay baby!!!!!!

Danica Sayge Gardner was born October 19th at 3:03pm she was 6lbs 10oz 19 inches long, she is so small that she can fit into preme clothing perfectly, she has brown hair and blue eyes, but they will probably change color in a few weeks. she is very cute, her big sister loves her, probably more than any one else, shes pretty sure if any one other than she or mommy holds her they will hurt her, its rather cute but slightly annoying at times. she gave Grandpa quite a scare the other day, no one else really saw what happened but she literally launched her self out of Troy's arms he caught her, and it scared him more than her. she lost her cord the other day as well surprising the Dr. because shes only a week old.

This weekend is Halloween, this year Halloween falls on Sunday, and in this town no one ever celebrates anything on Sunday, so trick-or-treating will be done mostly on Saturday, i plan on taking the kids out on both days, granted Dani wont really care and wont get candy but that's ok ill bundle her up and keep her warm and she'll probably sleep right through it all.

we all have some interesting costumes this year, Beth is going to be a pink skeleton fairy, Dani is gonna be a black cat, mom is gonna be a crow, although her costume had to be altered because of cost, and I'm going to be a masquerade witch, Justin this year asked that instead of spending money for his Halloween costume if he could just have 10 bucks cash so he could buy costumes for his online game...hes a dork!

being a single mom has been slightly easier than I thought, and even though I thought I needed the help I'm realizing that I really don't need the help from a man, in fact its kind of nice not having a man around to help. I appreciate the help I'm getting from mom, but I cant wait to get through school and get a job so I can get my own place, and start my new life, this next year is going to be exciting, and I can't wait to see what the gods have in store for me.

Monday, October 18, 2010

Bad dreams...

This past little while has been nerve racking, the baby has dropped so shes gonna come any day now, I've been considering going on a nice long walk just to try to send my self into labor, Beth has been a handful I think she can tell that things are getting ready to change drastically. I think both of the dream catchers in my room need to be cleaned and recharged because Beth has been sleeping with me the last few weekends due to bad dreams and for the first time in since I put my dream catcher up I just had one of the worst dreams I've had throughout this pregnancy.

In my dream it was a weekend I know this because I had Beth she had been playing with her toys and watching a movie in the morning like she normally does then she shook me and said "mommy why is my baby sister blue?" I turned on the light and looked into my bassinet at Danica laying their her lips and fingers were turning blue, I immediately started infant CPR and told Beth to get my mother, she ran up stairs told my mom that Danica was hurt and mom came running down, she called 911 for me but by the time they had responded it was far to late. Danica was diagnosed with SIDS.

I can't get over that feeling I had when I woke up, its so hard to explain, the dream was so realistic that it just really got to me, and having Beth their if something like that were to happen, I mean how do you explain to a 3 year old that their baby sister has died, and even worse how is something like that going to affect them? Tonight I plan on praying to the gods to watch over both my kids, I'm going to see if Dyanne or Mom have any protection oil I plan on spreading some on my door frame and on the frame of the bassinet, when shes born I'm going to ask mom and Dy to put a protection spell on the bassinet as well, I'm hoping that by having the protections on her sleeping place that the gods will keep her safe while she sleeps, of course I realize that if the gods decide she needs to no longer be on this planet they are going to take her but if they do after we have done everything we can to protect her then I will know its what they truly wanted, and while it will hurt me greatly, I will know that they have a reason for it, and that will hep comfort me slightly.

Tuesday, October 12, 2010

How slow time goes....

ok so until this last few weeks every thing has gone by so fast, now everything seams to have just kind of stopped. I've pretty much officially run out of things to keep me busy through out the day, I have a few things I can do here and their but I can now get the house clean in a matter of an hour or two, and some of the things I need to get done I cant because its to much for me and might send me into labor, which I wouldn't have a problem with but I would get a nice scolding if I did, for example, cleaning the turtles cage, I can't simply because it weights so freaking much and the water has gotten to the point it not only makes my room stink but the turtle doesn't want to spend a lot of time in the water, which is as bad for him as to much time in the water, his shell is having some problems peeling almost like a snake skin, I don't know if that's from being to dry or to wet or what, but I cant find anything online about it.

I just wish Danica would decide to come already this waiting around thing is killing me, every one keeps saying patience she'll come when she comes, but I officially lost my patience for waiting about a week ago... which makes waiting even harder than it should be, with Elyssabeth I had more things and people around to distract me from the anxiety of waiting for the contractions to start, now its just me and my computer, mom and Justin sleep all day, I have Dyane online, but no one and no cash to just go out and do something with, my biggest distraction, and probably a highlight in my life has been when Dyane and I go for walks, its relaxing and I like being able to spend the quality time with her, we get to talk about things with each other we don't normally want to talk about with other people around, and its really nice, perhaps I'll ask her if she'll walk with me tonight.

I have OGYN appointments every week until shes born now, last week he informed me that she was turned which is a really good thing, but had not yet stated to dilate, the following appointments will consist of listening to her heart, and checking to see if I'm dilating yet, then within the next 2-3 weeks I'll go into labor, but until then its just a waiting game, and its driving me nuts!!!

Well its almost 5:00pm and mom should be up by now, we need to go shopping tonight so I'm gonna go make sure shes up and hopefully ready to go do that, we really need to get it done, hopefully next time I get on here I'll have something more exciting to talk about.

Wednesday, October 6, 2010

October already?

Wow, it feels like only yesterday I was told I was pregnant, and now here we are 34 weeks later! we've got the house cleaned and ready for the baby, and we've already figured out a schedule that will work for us to take Beth for a few weeks while I heal, and get used to functioning on how ever much sleep the baby will allow me to have. I feel guilty about not being able to spend just as much time with Beth as I will be spending with Danica, but mom says that its whats best for right now, and I know that shes right, I just wish I didn't feel so bad about it. I'm beginning to fall into a depression, which for my mental conditions is normal, and I already know what I need to do to fix it and bring my self out of the depression, its just getting to that point, I think more than just depression I feel guilty as a mother because at the current moment I cant provide for my children right now, but I am going to go back to school and I am going to get a good paying job so that I can support my kids!

I am also worried about Danica a little, mostly because of Sheldon's physical conditions, at the moment he just gets worse every day, here is where the worry comes in, he will either die from his disease with in a year and she will never get to know him and what a great person he is, or the doctors will be able to keep him alive for a few more years and she will get to know him and she'll have to deal with his death. I don't want my daughter to have to go through either, but we really have no choice. I just wish I knew how to be able to explain to a small child why she will never get to see her daddy again, or why she never got to know him. This is one of my biggest problems right now, I don't want to put her through either situation, but at the same time, I don't want to keep Sheldon out of her life, for gods sake he actually wants to be apart of it! I never heard from Glen about the paternity testing, which doesn't surprise me one bit, I always knew he was gonna walk away from the responsibility the minute he got the chance.

On the plus side we have come up with Halloween costume ideas for, Beth, Mom, Myself, and Danica if shes here by then. Beth is going to be a pink skeleton fairy, Mom is going to be a Crow, Danica has a little black onesie with a cat face on it and black pants( I know not much of an outfit, but we don't want to go over board on something we might not use) and I am going to be a masquerade witch and we even figured out how to make every aspect of the outfit work weather I'm pregnant or not, so its going to be an awesome Halloween!! and I plan on being in my costume even if I'm in the hospital! mom and I have put too much thought into it, and by the time we get it to much money for me not to wear it!

I finally got my bedroom finished it actually feels like my room now, we even got a dresser for Beth! its a fairly cheap plastic one from big lots but it works, and eventually, when I have my own place, I will get both of my girls bed room sets that they will be able to use well into their adult lives, I will also be buying me a bedroom set, but mine will be bought differently, because I will buy a cheap bed frame, and the rest of the furniture will match the bed I will be getting when my mother dies.

This coming up holiday season is already depressing for me, because I know that I'm going to be in pain from the birth for thanks giving, and I'll be to broke to get my own kids presents for yule, and I know my mom will put down that some of the gifts they get are from me, but it would be nice if for once I could afford to get Beth something my self and I feel bad that for Danica's first yule I cant get her anything, and while I realize that they don't care, I do, it makes me feel like a bad parent, and thanks to my brother I've felt like that quite a bit these last few months, I feel like every time I turn around hes telling me what a bad mother I am to Beth, it really makes me just want to hit him so bad, because while I know I'm a good mom, it still hurts so bad to hear him say that, especially him, hes supposed it be my family and support me, its one thing when it comes from Cherokee or from some random person out their, it still pisses me off but when it comes from him it really stings, hes been such an ass hole lately that if he doesn't watch his step I am gonna hit him, and I think sometimes hes trying to get either me or mom to hit him. I know one thing for sure if he says one mean thing to me thanks giving before we leave to go spend it with the family I'm not getting in the car with him, I refuse to spend either Thanksgiving or Christmas feeling like shit because of him, if I have to spend both here by my self with my kids I'm fine with that, and he can explain to the family why me and my kids aren't their.

On the other hand Cherokee is starting to be more and more civil with me, sometimes shes on the verge of being nice, I think shes realizing that I am one of the few people who kind of knows what shes going though right now, and that me getting pregnant at 17 and keeping the baby(like she currently is) doesn't make me a horrible person, I don't like her boyfriend and wish she would wise up enough to leave his good for nothing drug addicted ass, but I think shes still got a little bit of growing up to do before she can do that, and shes defiantly going to need support when she does because shes going need to find her self, and I plan on being their for her as much as I can when she does, now does that mean I'm gonna let her use me? HELL NO!! but it does mean I'm going to be their for emotional support.

Well I think I have finally reached a point in all my ranting, and my brain spew, and what not where I have run out of things to say, and I think I might actually be able to sleep now, I probably wont post again for quite some time with the baby and every thing that will be happening, but when I get a moment for my self again I will be back :D