Wednesday, October 6, 2010

October already?

Wow, it feels like only yesterday I was told I was pregnant, and now here we are 34 weeks later! we've got the house cleaned and ready for the baby, and we've already figured out a schedule that will work for us to take Beth for a few weeks while I heal, and get used to functioning on how ever much sleep the baby will allow me to have. I feel guilty about not being able to spend just as much time with Beth as I will be spending with Danica, but mom says that its whats best for right now, and I know that shes right, I just wish I didn't feel so bad about it. I'm beginning to fall into a depression, which for my mental conditions is normal, and I already know what I need to do to fix it and bring my self out of the depression, its just getting to that point, I think more than just depression I feel guilty as a mother because at the current moment I cant provide for my children right now, but I am going to go back to school and I am going to get a good paying job so that I can support my kids!

I am also worried about Danica a little, mostly because of Sheldon's physical conditions, at the moment he just gets worse every day, here is where the worry comes in, he will either die from his disease with in a year and she will never get to know him and what a great person he is, or the doctors will be able to keep him alive for a few more years and she will get to know him and she'll have to deal with his death. I don't want my daughter to have to go through either, but we really have no choice. I just wish I knew how to be able to explain to a small child why she will never get to see her daddy again, or why she never got to know him. This is one of my biggest problems right now, I don't want to put her through either situation, but at the same time, I don't want to keep Sheldon out of her life, for gods sake he actually wants to be apart of it! I never heard from Glen about the paternity testing, which doesn't surprise me one bit, I always knew he was gonna walk away from the responsibility the minute he got the chance.

On the plus side we have come up with Halloween costume ideas for, Beth, Mom, Myself, and Danica if shes here by then. Beth is going to be a pink skeleton fairy, Mom is going to be a Crow, Danica has a little black onesie with a cat face on it and black pants( I know not much of an outfit, but we don't want to go over board on something we might not use) and I am going to be a masquerade witch and we even figured out how to make every aspect of the outfit work weather I'm pregnant or not, so its going to be an awesome Halloween!! and I plan on being in my costume even if I'm in the hospital! mom and I have put too much thought into it, and by the time we get it to much money for me not to wear it!

I finally got my bedroom finished it actually feels like my room now, we even got a dresser for Beth! its a fairly cheap plastic one from big lots but it works, and eventually, when I have my own place, I will get both of my girls bed room sets that they will be able to use well into their adult lives, I will also be buying me a bedroom set, but mine will be bought differently, because I will buy a cheap bed frame, and the rest of the furniture will match the bed I will be getting when my mother dies.

This coming up holiday season is already depressing for me, because I know that I'm going to be in pain from the birth for thanks giving, and I'll be to broke to get my own kids presents for yule, and I know my mom will put down that some of the gifts they get are from me, but it would be nice if for once I could afford to get Beth something my self and I feel bad that for Danica's first yule I cant get her anything, and while I realize that they don't care, I do, it makes me feel like a bad parent, and thanks to my brother I've felt like that quite a bit these last few months, I feel like every time I turn around hes telling me what a bad mother I am to Beth, it really makes me just want to hit him so bad, because while I know I'm a good mom, it still hurts so bad to hear him say that, especially him, hes supposed it be my family and support me, its one thing when it comes from Cherokee or from some random person out their, it still pisses me off but when it comes from him it really stings, hes been such an ass hole lately that if he doesn't watch his step I am gonna hit him, and I think sometimes hes trying to get either me or mom to hit him. I know one thing for sure if he says one mean thing to me thanks giving before we leave to go spend it with the family I'm not getting in the car with him, I refuse to spend either Thanksgiving or Christmas feeling like shit because of him, if I have to spend both here by my self with my kids I'm fine with that, and he can explain to the family why me and my kids aren't their.

On the other hand Cherokee is starting to be more and more civil with me, sometimes shes on the verge of being nice, I think shes realizing that I am one of the few people who kind of knows what shes going though right now, and that me getting pregnant at 17 and keeping the baby(like she currently is) doesn't make me a horrible person, I don't like her boyfriend and wish she would wise up enough to leave his good for nothing drug addicted ass, but I think shes still got a little bit of growing up to do before she can do that, and shes defiantly going to need support when she does because shes going need to find her self, and I plan on being their for her as much as I can when she does, now does that mean I'm gonna let her use me? HELL NO!! but it does mean I'm going to be their for emotional support.

Well I think I have finally reached a point in all my ranting, and my brain spew, and what not where I have run out of things to say, and I think I might actually be able to sleep now, I probably wont post again for quite some time with the baby and every thing that will be happening, but when I get a moment for my self again I will be back :D

1 comment:

  1. Take a deep breath. Take another one. Everything will be okay. Justin may be being a pain in the ass to you right now, but at least it isn't your mother, right? I love you, Morgan, it's going to work out.