JUST DONE!!

So between my brother and his asshole of a "friend" and people I used to call my friends showing their true colors and being bitches I'm so upset that I cant even eat my dinner because I'm sick to my stomach. I've been attempting to get at least to the point where my sister doesn't want to kill me any more because its very stressful on my mother that we cant get along, and doing that is stressful for me. I have a 2 month old baby and we just today got her on formula that she can hold down and that took almost 2 hours of fighting with my doctor to get it. my brothers friend Jim has been even more of an ass, some one I thought to be my friend just told me that she basically hated my guts because I cant handle listening to or reading about how "great" of a person Glen is after he hurt me the way he did, and my brother is on a rampage I swear! And right now all I want to do is have a glass of wine and watch Shrek for ever after(the final chapter) but no Cherokee is here so i cant have the wine because shes trying to stay sober and we need to support her , and for some fucking reason we cant watch Shrek either. I'm about to grab a book and Danica and a glass of some 7up pomegranate and go down stairs, put some wine in my 7up and lock my self in the fucking room and not come out for a while...I'm sure I could last about a week in their only coming out pee and eat I wanna just say fuck the world for a while. In fact that may very well be what I do...so for now FUCK YOU WORLD!!

Stressed and Depressed

Its been very stressful for me the last little while, I've been worried about Danica her formula is not working very well, her sister didn't do well with Similac either but were going to take care of that thankfully, we have to go back to the hospital Thursday for a rescreaning of her hearing, and even though every one says that she'll be fine I'm still a little worried about that. Then their is money, and the lack their of, sometimes I just think that it would be better to get a freaking job when I get released to do so instead of going to school, so that I can help out here. I'm having a hard time watching my mom being so stressed about everything, at the moment I feel useless and I hate feeling like that , I just wish I could help my mom out some how with rent and bills. With all of what is going on here and the fact that their is absolutely nothing I can do about the stress levels right now its making my depression re surface again, it does that every once in a while, but sadly the depression doesn't help mom either because she worries about me now, only making me feel worse, and I just don't feel like I really have any one I can really talk to about stuff like this, I really just wish I had some one I could just bull shit with again, because of everything that happened with glen I've lost a few friends and have had a few of my relationships with people changed, in the midst of all of that I lost my bull shiting friend and never really got another one, I can talk to mom and Dyane about some things but I feel awkward talking about other things. Sometimes I just want to grab random people and start yelling at them for no reason, I wanna say things like "I never knew my biological father that's why I'm messed up" "I'm a single mother living with my single mother" and "were broke and theirs nothing any one can do about it"

Sometimes I wish it was possible to just pack up my girls and run away from all our problems, but I know that they will just follow me where ever I go. It sucks to wonder if the diapers I have are going to last us until we can afford to get more, it sucks to not know when we can get more diapers, it sucks having to fight with the government for food stamps and wondering how were going to feed all of us and even more so Beth, I hate worrying about weather or not the power is going to be able to get paid this winter, it sucks to wonder how were going to afford the oil to heat the house which is gonna be just under $300 a month it would be cheaper to get heaters for every room in the house and have them running 24-7 at this point. Some times I wonder what we did in our past lives to end up with this fucked up life? I worry about my baby, I don't want her to get sick this winter. I just wish I could find a cheaper place for us to live in with normal freaking heating.

some times life just says "fuck you!"

yay baby!!!!!!

Danica Sayge Gardner was born October 19th at 3:03pm she was 6lbs 10oz 19 inches long, she is so small that she can fit into preme clothing perfectly, she has brown hair and blue eyes, but they will probably change color in a few weeks. she is very cute, her big sister loves her, probably more than any one else, shes pretty sure if any one other than she or mommy holds her they will hurt her, its rather cute but slightly annoying at times. she gave Grandpa quite a scare the other day, no one else really saw what happened but she literally launched her self out of Troy's arms he caught her, and it scared him more than her. she lost her cord the other day as well surprising the Dr. because shes only a week old.

This weekend is Halloween, this year Halloween falls on Sunday, and in this town no one ever celebrates anything on Sunday, so trick-or-treating will be done mostly on Saturday, i plan on taking the kids out on both days, granted Dani wont really care and wont get candy but that's ok ill bundle her up and keep her warm and she'll probably sleep right through it all.

we all have some interesting costumes this year, Beth is going to be a pink skeleton fairy, Dani is gonna be a black cat, mom is gonna be a crow, although her costume had to be altered because of cost, and I'm going to be a masquerade witch, Justin this year asked that instead of spending money for his Halloween costume if he could just have 10 bucks cash so he could buy costumes for his online game...hes a dork!

being a single mom has been slightly easier than I thought, and even though I thought I needed the help I'm realizing that I really don't need the help from a man, in fact its kind of nice not having a man around to help. I appreciate the help I'm getting from mom, but I cant wait to get through school and get a job so I can get my own place, and start my new life, this next year is going to be exciting, and I can't wait to see what the gods have in store for me.

Bad dreams...

This past little while has been nerve racking, the baby has dropped so shes gonna come any day now, I've been considering going on a nice long walk just to try to send my self into labor, Beth has been a handful I think she can tell that things are getting ready to change drastically. I think both of the dream catchers in my room need to be cleaned and recharged because Beth has been sleeping with me the last few weekends due to bad dreams and for the first time in since I put my dream catcher up I just had one of the worst dreams I've had throughout this pregnancy.

In my dream it was a weekend I know this because I had Beth she had been playing with her toys and watching a movie in the morning like she normally does then she shook me and said "mommy why is my baby sister blue?" I turned on the light and looked into my bassinet at Danica laying their her lips and fingers were turning blue, I immediately started infant CPR and told Beth to get my mother, she ran up stairs told my mom that Danica was hurt and mom came running down, she called 911 for me but by the time they had responded it was far to late. Danica was diagnosed with SIDS.

I can't get over that feeling I had when I woke up, its so hard to explain, the dream was so realistic that it just really got to me, and having Beth their if something like that were to happen, I mean how do you explain to a 3 year old that their baby sister has died, and even worse how is something like that going to affect them? Tonight I plan on praying to the gods to watch over both my kids, I'm going to see if Dyanne or Mom have any protection oil I plan on spreading some on my door frame and on the frame of the bassinet, when shes born I'm going to ask mom and Dy to put a protection spell on the bassinet as well, I'm hoping that by having the protections on her sleeping place that the gods will keep her safe while she sleeps, of course I realize that if the gods decide she needs to no longer be on this planet they are going to take her but if they do after we have done everything we can to protect her then I will know its what they truly wanted, and while it will hurt me greatly, I will know that they have a reason for it, and that will hep comfort me slightly.

How slow time goes....

ok so until this last few weeks every thing has gone by so fast, now everything seams to have just kind of stopped. I've pretty much officially run out of things to keep me busy through out the day, I have a few things I can do here and their but I can now get the house clean in a matter of an hour or two, and some of the things I need to get done I cant because its to much for me and might send me into labor, which I wouldn't have a problem with but I would get a nice scolding if I did, for example, cleaning the turtles cage, I can't simply because it weights so freaking much and the water has gotten to the point it not only makes my room stink but the turtle doesn't want to spend a lot of time in the water, which is as bad for him as to much time in the water, his shell is having some problems peeling almost like a snake skin, I don't know if that's from being to dry or to wet or what, but I cant find anything online about it.

I just wish Danica would decide to come already this waiting around thing is killing me, every one keeps saying patience she'll come when she comes, but I officially lost my patience for waiting about a week ago... which makes waiting even harder than it should be, with Elyssabeth I had more things and people around to distract me from the anxiety of waiting for the contractions to start, now its just me and my computer, mom and Justin sleep all day, I have Dyane online, but no one and no cash to just go out and do something with, my biggest distraction, and probably a highlight in my life has been when Dyane and I go for walks, its relaxing and I like being able to spend the quality time with her, we get to talk about things with each other we don't normally want to talk about with other people around, and its really nice, perhaps I'll ask her if she'll walk with me tonight.

I have OGYN appointments every week until shes born now, last week he informed me that she was turned which is a really good thing, but had not yet stated to dilate, the following appointments will consist of listening to her heart, and checking to see if I'm dilating yet, then within the next 2-3 weeks I'll go into labor, but until then its just a waiting game, and its driving me nuts!!!

Well its almost 5:00pm and mom should be up by now, we need to go shopping tonight so I'm gonna go make sure shes up and hopefully ready to go do that, we really need to get it done, hopefully next time I get on here I'll have something more exciting to talk about.

October already?

Wow, it feels like only yesterday I was told I was pregnant, and now here we are 34 weeks later! we've got the house cleaned and ready for the baby, and we've already figured out a schedule that will work for us to take Beth for a few weeks while I heal, and get used to functioning on how ever much sleep the baby will allow me to have. I feel guilty about not being able to spend just as much time with Beth as I will be spending with Danica, but mom says that its whats best for right now, and I know that shes right, I just wish I didn't feel so bad about it. I'm beginning to fall into a depression, which for my mental conditions is normal, and I already know what I need to do to fix it and bring my self out of the depression, its just getting to that point, I think more than just depression I feel guilty as a mother because at the current moment I cant provide for my children right now, but I am going to go back to school and I am going to get a good paying job so that I can support my kids!

I am also worried about Danica a little, mostly because of Sheldon's physical conditions, at the moment he just gets worse every day, here is where the worry comes in, he will either die from his disease with in a year and she will never get to know him and what a great person he is, or the doctors will be able to keep him alive for a few more years and she will get to know him and she'll have to deal with his death. I don't want my daughter to have to go through either, but we really have no choice. I just wish I knew how to be able to explain to a small child why she will never get to see her daddy again, or why she never got to know him. This is one of my biggest problems right now, I don't want to put her through either situation, but at the same time, I don't want to keep Sheldon out of her life, for gods sake he actually wants to be apart of it! I never heard from Glen about the paternity testing, which doesn't surprise me one bit, I always knew he was gonna walk away from the responsibility the minute he got the chance.

On the plus side we have come up with Halloween costume ideas for, Beth, Mom, Myself, and Danica if shes here by then. Beth is going to be a pink skeleton fairy, Mom is going to be a Crow, Danica has a little black onesie with a cat face on it and black pants( I know not much of an outfit, but we don't want to go over board on something we might not use) and I am going to be a masquerade witch and we even figured out how to make every aspect of the outfit work weather I'm pregnant or not, so its going to be an awesome Halloween!! and I plan on being in my costume even if I'm in the hospital! mom and I have put too much thought into it, and by the time we get it to much money for me not to wear it!

I finally got my bedroom finished it actually feels like my room now, we even got a dresser for Beth! its a fairly cheap plastic one from big lots but it works, and eventually, when I have my own place, I will get both of my girls bed room sets that they will be able to use well into their adult lives, I will also be buying me a bedroom set, but mine will be bought differently, because I will buy a cheap bed frame, and the rest of the furniture will match the bed I will be getting when my mother dies.

This coming up holiday season is already depressing for me, because I know that I'm going to be in pain from the birth for thanks giving, and I'll be to broke to get my own kids presents for yule, and I know my mom will put down that some of the gifts they get are from me, but it would be nice if for once I could afford to get Beth something my self and I feel bad that for Danica's first yule I cant get her anything, and while I realize that they don't care, I do, it makes me feel like a bad parent, and thanks to my brother I've felt like that quite a bit these last few months, I feel like every time I turn around hes telling me what a bad mother I am to Beth, it really makes me just want to hit him so bad, because while I know I'm a good mom, it still hurts so bad to hear him say that, especially him, hes supposed it be my family and support me, its one thing when it comes from Cherokee or from some random person out their, it still pisses me off but when it comes from him it really stings, hes been such an ass hole lately that if he doesn't watch his step I am gonna hit him, and I think sometimes hes trying to get either me or mom to hit him. I know one thing for sure if he says one mean thing to me thanks giving before we leave to go spend it with the family I'm not getting in the car with him, I refuse to spend either Thanksgiving or Christmas feeling like shit because of him, if I have to spend both here by my self with my kids I'm fine with that, and he can explain to the family why me and my kids aren't their.

On the other hand Cherokee is starting to be more and more civil with me, sometimes shes on the verge of being nice, I think shes realizing that I am one of the few people who kind of knows what shes going though right now, and that me getting pregnant at 17 and keeping the baby(like she currently is) doesn't make me a horrible person, I don't like her boyfriend and wish she would wise up enough to leave his good for nothing drug addicted ass, but I think shes still got a little bit of growing up to do before she can do that, and shes defiantly going to need support when she does because shes going need to find her self, and I plan on being their for her as much as I can when she does, now does that mean I'm gonna let her use me? HELL NO!! but it does mean I'm going to be their for emotional support.

Well I think I have finally reached a point in all my ranting, and my brain spew, and what not where I have run out of things to say, and I think I might actually be able to sleep now, I probably wont post again for quite some time with the baby and every thing that will be happening, but when I get a moment for my self again I will be back :D

Lots of fun, and plenty of excitement!

Camping was a lot of fun! Beth was a little handful but we had her under control. Both nights Beth and I went to bed early, I had planed to lay with her until she fell asleep and get back up and hang out for a little while but the first night I think I may have been asleep before she was, and the second night I was having some stomach pains so I layed their waiting for them to go away and fell asleep. but that's ok, because we still had fun during the days sitting around listening to music, and a comedian,who's name I cant recall, and just bullshitting we had a lemon peach cake i made and Dyanne and I both decided we didn't like the canned icing because you just dont have either the control or the maneuverability of the decorating bag, and for those of us who have become used to the bag the can just sucks! the second night the planned desert had been flavored marshmallows for s'more making, but Ryan came with a much better idea and made us all cobbler, i was laying down by the time it was done but they saved me some and Beth, Justin, and my self had some for breakfast instead of the planed bars. Jason and Nate also came home that weekend and joined us Saturday night that was fun! We all really needed this weekend, especially mom with everything that has been going on with Cherokee, and because Sheldon is such and awesome person he even stayed at our house that weekend with the dog, to give mom even more of a stress relief, it was nice not having to worry about the dog at all. this weekend is packed full, we have Mabon which I'm hoping will be lots of fun, then Sunday were going out to aunt Joyce and uncle Dave's house for an early dinner or even late lunch...either way you want to look at it, then were going to Dy's house to watch a show have some dinner(if were hungry) and play rock band, I plan on wearing my rock band shirt that Dy made me! Monday I'm gonna have roger call on his Medicaid account and get every thing with that worked out, because Beth needs her Medicaid. I still need a dresser for her clothing, but I'm going to work on getting the bed room completely ready for the baby, its gonna be hard without the dresser but I'll make it work some how...I hope... It's getting so close, only 36 more days left and we've still got to work on getting everything ready, the closer it gets the more i wish it was easier to get this house clean and all the dog hair under control, I kind of wish we had access to the carpet cleaner of Alie's because it was great for getting the hair out of the carpets and that would be a big help with the dog hair, i just wish i could find the replacement battery for my Shark vacuum because its a good little vacuum for every day use but it doesn't have the battery power any more to do the hole house every day, it used to but the battery is 3 years old, oh well i guess we can do a different room every day and keep the hair controlled that way. if we can keep up with that, so far were having a hard time keeping the dishes cleaned every day. well after the baby's born im going to try to keep us all on track for the baby's sake.

Drama, Drama, Drama

The potential father of this child, the one who we were, with out a doubt positive was the father told me a while back that he wanted a paternity test, other than him their is only one other possible father, he is very unlikely but still non the less he he would get tested, and I felt he deserved to know, so for the past few months I have been trying to get a hold of him to tell him that he would be tested. About 3 nights ago he got a hold of us to tell us that he had a surgeon mess up with with him, so badly now that he only has a few years if that. I told him that night that their was a possibility that Danica is his, he is so excited that their is even the slightest chance that he not only wants her to be his but he has asked if he could still claim her as his even if she wasn't. I am over joyed that Danica he wants to be her father, even if only for a short time. I would rather her have some one who wants her be her father rather than some one who doesn't. I have told glen that if he still want to get the paternity test and be a part of her life then he need to get a hold of me, I asked for a response by the end of the week but I have decided that I will give him until I actually fill out the birth certificate, if he cant find 5 minutes to text me saying "yes I'd like to still do the test" then he truly doesn't care about her at all, and at that point I will be putting Sheldon's name on it without a test. almost every one I have talked to think that I am being very fare to every one involved, except for one who I thought was my best friend, she thinks that I'm being a bitch for even considering of putting Sheldon's name on the certificate in the first place. I guess in situations like these you find out who your true friends, the sad thing is I know why shes all pissed its because shes jealous of the friendship Sheldon and I have and how close we are, shes even more jealous that he and I were ever together and even more of the idea that their is a slight chance Sheldon and I get back together, after I get my life straightened out. I think its rather pathetic of her honestly she has a wonderful husband who would do anything for her and 2 beautiful little boys, she has a rather nice life as a matter of fact, of course she wont know that until she looses it, shes on the verge of me telling her to fuck off, until at least she can pull her head out of her ass, because I'm really getting tired of her judging me, when shes the one who goes out and cheats on her husband and flirts with other guys, and thinks her life is a curse instead of a blessing, if it weren't for the fact that I have strong morals and I believe in never breaking a promise, unless some ones life is in danger or they are breaking the law, I would tell her husband, but I'm not going to be pinned as a "home wrecker" because her morals aren't where they should be. a crisis councilor contacted my mother today, she wants mom and Cherokee to sit down and try to work things out between them, which is going to be a waist of time on every ones part because mom refuses to have a junkie living with us and Cherokee refuses to leave him, so the councilor can talk all she wants but she will just be wasting her breath. on the plus side this weekend were going camping to celebrate both mine and Troy's birthday's and that will be super fun, then next weekend were going to go to our aunt and uncles house for a birthday dinner, performing a Mabon ritual, I'll be doing that one with the help of my very close friend Whitney and it will be her first and only my second ritual with a group so I imagine that it is going to be rather interesting, but it will be fun. then Sunday a night of watching a pilot for a show to see if we like it, and of course Rock Band!! with our new band T-Shirts "I'm your huckleberry" we will also be getting the house ready for the new baby, this next month is going to be so busy, and so much fun, were going to have 2 weddings to go to, Halloween and a birth YAY!!!

Can you say T.V. special?

Well my life right now would make a pretty interesting soap opera / sit com. combo. this weekend we had Elyssabeth for longer than we normally do because her father wanted her for this weekend, which is fine with me as long as i get her for my birthday dinner, can you believe I'm turning 21!? Any way while she was here my sisters boyfriend(ketchup) had his brother visit them, he was so excited to get to spend time with him, well their evening ended up with my sister sitting in the house getting to know ketchup's family while he sat out side listening to rap and getting drunk because he's jealous of his brother because he is successful, so at some point in the night ketchup took off without saying anything, Cherokee spent the night worrying about him, because he wouldn't answer either her texts or calls, she spent the night at his moms house, about 7 o'clock in the morning he texts her saying hes at the house so she has his mom bring her back into town, now here's where things get out of control, when Cherokee gets down stairs ketchup is sitting on the bed shooting up lortab, at this point Beth is not only awake but has snuck out of the room to go steel a sucker and get into things shes not supposed to. well the shooting up pissed Cherokee off enough that she kicks him out, thank the gods, because were done with his shit! so that night we go to Dy's house to play rock band and get home fairly late Beth and I go straight to bed, mom stays up for a little bit longer, while she is turning off all the lights to go to bed Cherokee and Ketchup show up and unload all of his stuff with the intent of moving him back into the house, obviously mom is having none of it because were not going to lose Beth and Danica because of his drug addiction, so they get in a huge fight and Cherokee decides that if ketchup cant move back in then shes going to move out with him...at the moment we have no clue where she is or what shes doing, last we herd their plan was to move to Las Vegas, but we don't know how that plan has gone, I packed and moved all of her stuff out of her room and have spent the last week turning it into mine and Beth's room its not where i want it to be but its getting their. on the other hand my brother has been trying to keep spirits high by being a dork and it has worked a little, i know that I'm worried about Cherokee and her unborn baby, and I'm sure mom is also worried, but were all doing a fairly good job at hiding it. Today is September 11th nine years ago a terrorist group flew plains into the two towers, I plan on lighting a candle to remember the souls who died and I'm also going to do a heeling spell for the earth. Tomorrow is my birthday and I will be turning 2, now because I'm pregnant I have to wait until yule to actually get drunk, so instead were going to make enchiladas watch the season finally of true blood and play rock band, next weekend were going to go camping to celebrate both mine and troys birthday and the week after that were going to go do dinner with my aunt Joyce and uncle Dave, then head over to Dy's house for a Mabon ritual! this month is all about the birthdays from now on, next month we'll be getting the house really ready for the new baby and of course every witches favorite holiday HALLOWEEN!!! depending on weather or not I'm in the hospital giving birth i get to take Beth trick-or-treating, if I'm in the hospital roger will swing by with her to say hi before they go out, or after depending on how I'm doing. the next few months are going to be a mad rush, but I'm hoping that after the mad rush I can get back into school and getting my life back on track, I realize now that my roller coaster life has just gotten a little more exciting, and I kind of cant wait to see how the ride goes!!

Just plain worn out...

This week has been crazy so much has been going on that I can only barely remember most of it now. Beth has been a hand full this weekend, she hasn't been listening to me very well, but that's ok I knew that she would get to this stage sooner or later, I just hope she grows out of it before the baby is born. I know that shes going to be jealous of the new baby for many various, but I hope that I can help her understand that her sister is a kind of gift, and not some one she should hate, its going to be hard but I know that with the help of my family I can get through it. I finally got all my stuff out of glens storage, actually what happened was I got tired of him dodging me and ignoring my calls about it so I left him a message telling him that I wanted to come get it this week end(while I had some help to get it all) and he showed up the next day with all of it, he even already went through and got all his stuff out of the boxes that had our things mixed...I plan on going through and seeing if anything has been taken that shouldn't have, however I also plan on getting rid of some things as well. I keep having these weird dreams they kind of freak me out a little, and I'm afraid if I talked to any one about them they would either make fun of me, or judge me, or something like that, in my dreams I'm getting ready for a date and my mom keeps asking me who I'm going out with but i just keep saying "you'll see" , when my date finally arrives I open the door, now this is were it gets a little weird, half the time Roger is standing at the door, when hes their mom looks at me stunned for a moment then shakes her head and says "if you think it will work what ever, but take it slow please" we agree and go on our date, the other half of the time Ryan is standing at the door, when its Ryan at the door mom is too shocked to say anything, and we leave to go on our date, now I don't know if that means anything or if its just the stress of life or something like that...if any one knows, I'd appreciate some insightful thought on the dream, any other weird dreams I have are of Danica and I know that those come from my fears and worry's of the pregnancy and what we may or may not have to go through after she is born due to her father, but I can handle that when the time comes. I keeps getting these headaches they just come out of no where, and last for hours then they are gone as fast as they came I don't know what the hell is going on their, I've been thinking about going to my Doctor and asking him what he thinks, but lord only knows what they'll do for me right now. I'm going to mention them to my OBGYN on my appointment on Thursday, but he may not have an answer for me. their has been so much going on with just me, on top of all the stuff going on in the life's of the people around me that I've just gotten to the point where I'm just plain tired a good vacation from the real world would be nice right about now, but I know that life is just gonna get more real in the next few months...just with it would give us all a rest for a min, so we can breath, to bad life doesn't work like that. oh well I guess for now ill just keep hoping for that break in the rain, and when it comes I'm going to enjoy the sun even if its only for a moment.

Trying to make sense of things...

I've been sitting on my couch/bed all weekend because I'm supposed to be taking it easy so as to give my body time to heal from an infection in my bladder, we found out I had this infection because we went into the ER early Thursday morning because I was cramping very badly, they of course tested for every thing and found the infection, they put me on antibiotics and sent me home with the instructions to take it easy and not get to active in order to let my body help the antibiotics heal the infection so that it doesn't get worse and cause problems with the pregnancy. On the other hand we found out that Cherokee (my little sister) is also pregnant, Sadly I fear for the baby shes carrying, not that she would intentionally hurt it, but shes not growing up fast enough, she is still partying, smoking drinking, doing drugs, that poor child has already been to 2 party's that I know of sense she's told us she found out. Jason's n employment ran out this month meaning that we are now living solely no moms income, I wish it was easier for me to find a job right now so that I could help her with the bills, Jason is looking for a trucking job, so assuming he gets one he and Nate will be going over the road making good money but he'll never be home...at the moment we're not so sure that's exactly a bad thing, hes entered this state of depression where he realizes hes broke but he wants to spend what little money he gets on things that do him no good, he takes out payday loans and tell moms hes going to use it for bills then goes out and buys a phone he doesn't need and spends it on everything but the bills, poor mom is about at her wits ends and their nothing I can do for her to make it better, and that makes me sad. I've decided that after I have the baby and out of school I'm gonna stay with mom after I get a job, and help her out a little, but I think first we may need to look into finding a place that is slightly larger for about the same price, or even less would be better, I think for now that's what I'm gonna concentrate on finding for her, I think she'll like that.

What the HELL my life is freakin out!!!

Wow a lot has happened sense my last post, where do I start? I guess I'll start where I left, Monday I officially moved back in with my mother, well that's when I told Glen I was gonna move back in with her, we had a big fight and a lot of this were said and a lot misinterpreted, I'm hoping to clear some of the miss understanding in the future but for now I'm living with mom again. Tuesday we went camping boy was that fun, we had Elyssabeth with us and she was just the cutest little thing all weekend, she had fun playing in the dirt and she made a new best friend our room mate Nate, not to mention she made a lot of break troughs within our friends, she is finally accepting Dyanne more than she ever has which Dy loves and she decided just yesterday that our friend Ryan was a really cool guy and not just a tall scary guy. At one point in time this camping trip Beth was playing in the dirt and a cow wandered to an area it wasn't supposed to be in and it must have got stuck or hurt or lost or something like that cause it started to moo uncontrollably, when Beth head it she stopped giving her self a dirt bath stood up looked out to where the sound was coming from and screams "what the hell!? that cow is freaking out!!" it was so cute and innocent that we couldn't even get mad at her for saying hell...at least she used it correctly and in a way that wasn't hurting any ones feelings, if i teach her when its okay to use words like that and when its not then she will grow up slightly wiser than others. its been just over a week sense we took that camping trip now and other thing have started to pop up in life, my sister and her boyfriend are either going to both move out or break up, at the moment that situation has to be played by ear and mom isn't to worried about it at the moment. yesterday evening the entire left side of my jaw started hurting, but I'm going to go see a dentist tomorrow I'm hoping its nothing to serious and it will be an easy fix...I can hope right? I also found out today that the divorce papers that Roger gave me are useless because he signed them at home instead of getting them notarized and because they have Roger's ,Beth's, and My social security numbers but also our full names and birth dates they're all any one needs to steel out identities... so I'm going to make sure that their is no way any one can get their hands on that info by burning them tonight, it with be fun, on the down side Roger has to reprint all of it out again, only this time I'll be making sure he gets them notarized so that we don't have to go through this again. for the most part I'm doing okay, I feel less stressed and more relaxed I don't feel like I'm gonna get my head bitten off or ganged up on if I voice my opinion and for the first time in a while I feel welcome and at home. it will be nice when I can get a job and start actually doing something with my life again but for now I'm glad to know I have family that loves me enough to help me out when I need it most. thank you to the people who love me. I owe a lot to you guys :D

Well we made it out alive...

this last week has been hectic Monday was the first day of set-up for faire, Tuesday all of our vendors came to set up their booths. Wednesday was opening day, we made hardly anything money wise but all in all it was fun. Thursday the Mother Moraines guild decided that they were retiring form the faire, I am part of this guild. The rest of the week had a strange sort of bitter sweet feeling about it for those of us leaving, and every one could feel it in the air and knew something was going on, they just didn't know what. Friday Schwa'za invited me to come to dance with them on a permanent basis, class starts Thursday yay! Saturday after the last processional Troy, Dyanne, and my mom will ever be in, Troy announced that the guild was leaving, many people were disappointed but they all understood. This faire was fun but this was also our last set-up and tare down, we will all still be around if the faire continues but only as by standers, and customers we will probably never get as involved as we were when we left, but we will still visit, what will always be OUR faire. tare down last night kinda felt like having a child for many years helping it grow and become something amassing, and then giving it back to the people who gave birth to it. a sad sort of relieving feeling to it. it was fun but it was time, for most people, i will be continuing this faire with the belly dancers now and I am glad i will still have some involvement, this next year is going to be a big adventure i can just see it now and I'm excited to see what life brings me, Thank you every one who have helped me get this far in my life you've helped me grow in the same way you helped the faire, except i dont think im quite ready to be let completely go of just yet :D

HAPPY 4TH OF JULY...way to much to do!

okay so instead of waiting until the 5th of July to celebrate the 4th of July glen and I are going to go to hang out with his parents this after noon, I might go hang with my mother a little this morning while glen sleeps, sadly I have to wait to walk in the parade and partake in the 4th of July fun on the park until tomorrow, which might I say proposes a problem on 2 levels... #1 the 5th of July is not the 4th of July, and #2 Monday is the first day of set up which has to be postponed until the park is clear of the 4th of July festivities, oh yea also I have to either wait for the fire works or travel out of town to see them...sucky! so glens parents Susan and Martin are doing a barbecue and some minor fire works yay! they were also gonna do a movie I think but glen and I will have to leave cause he has to work which is okay for me cause that means I get to go to bed when I want to so that i can get up and go to the parade...she sun has been helping with waking me up at 8:00am yay sun...woohoo...not! i may or may not get to do fairy wings this year for faire, i figured out i can do a few at a time cause they need time to dry so that will be awesome, the hard part will be getting the stuff to make them dug up out of A-the garage and B-Vicki's bedroom, if we cant find them then we dont have wings for faire...oh well at least ive almost got beths wings done after sitting all night they should be ready to have the final step done putting on the elastic...which i may just use some ribion or something like that so that they are adjustable and they will fit for a while... but who knows gotta find stuff to do it all with...in the next year i will be stocking up on things to make wings and do hair tinsel for next years faire so i dont have to worry about the mad dash and what not, depending on which sells better this year, and if after i run out if people coninue to ask for more...which i may go get the suplies to make more with some of the profit...assuming i can get a lift to wallmart...

well im gonna go finish Beths wings and see if my mother is awake and up for a visitor and i will probaly post again after faire...yay fun!!!

Fun Times, Missed the end, faire talk

Spent today in a minor freaked stage, first couldn't find my Medicaid card so I could make my chiropractor appointment, we finally found it on the table and not in a box as we thought and made it to the appointment. Then I fixed 2 pieces of garb for faire, i have a full 4 out fits now, thankfully, then Glen decided he was going to be nice to me and his sister and took us to go see Eclipse, it was nice until about the last 5 minutes which i missed cause the baby sat on a nerve and the minute I stood up to try to make her move she did, right on to my bladder, then while I was in the restroom I started to cramp, so now ive missed the last little bit of the movie and I'm cramping, wonderful way to end my day right? well lucky for me Glens sister Vicki works in the OB so she took me home felt my belly a little and runs me a bath to try to get my muscles to calm down, as I go into the bathroom to get in he tub I have to pee again, so I go pee, and find out that the stomach cramping is from my body not liking something I ate, thank god it wasn't a problem with the pregnancy, but the upset stomach is not a nice thing for me, but I'm very glad that everything is okay with my baby! Gonna try to sew some more tomorrow so that I can have Elyssabeth's outfit for the costume contest ready for her by Saturday :D it doesn't look like were going to be doing the hair tinsel this year, didn't have enough money to order it in time, oh well maybe next year after I have more practice and maybe more money. Can't wait for faire and can't believe its so close I'm glad I don't have to much to do, thinking about maybe doing fairy wings this year though, who knows ill have to talk to mom about it, it is her booth after all :D


Happy that I didn't have to make a trip to the hospital today, and hoping not to scare every one like that again, don't wanna deal with it ever again!

Camping and good feelings

this weekend went camping with the family...now when i refer to my family most of the time its those I chose to call my family not the necessarily the ones I'm related to by blood, cause I don't consider my sister family...and she would rather kill me in a police station and admit to the murder than admit were family. so went camping to celebrate not only summer solstice 2 birthdays as well, my mothers and Jelly's shes basically my niece. they gave me a lot of good advice and the retreat from every day life was nice, were gonna go camping again after the Renaissance Faire, hopefully were gonna take Beth, we all love Yankee Meadow its the sort of place that you wake up in the morning and after using the bathroom you take the time to look at the lake and the scenery around you and everything is right with the world, and you cant help but feel relaxed and rejuvenated. its the one place we find that while we cant wait to go home and get clean and sleep in our beds, we also never want to leave, if you have never been their your really missing out...although an air freshener in the bathrooms would be nice :D their bio something or other and they are stinky, but if you breath through your mouth or hold your it gets bearable...and dealing with the nasty bathrooms is worth it. I'm hoping to go on at least 2 or 3 more times before the summer is out and i would like to take Beth, were gonna go camping for my birthday for sure but we will be going to Baker instead because Yankee will be way to cold by then and while red cliffs is pretty were all kinda bored with it. cant wait to spend time with the family.


everything is getting slowly better and soon hopefully glen and I will have our own place to live as well, but for now at least life is going good.